My sheets look like a crime scene.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
