JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
