My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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