I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
