My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
