oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
