I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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