I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
