Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
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