Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
