You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
