Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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