who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
