I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
