I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
