Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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