I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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