I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Randomize
