the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
