how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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