Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
