I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
