Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
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