once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
