made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
