Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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