I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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