I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
