You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
