just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
