I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
