i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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