Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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