You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
