Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
