Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
