no, he came in my armpit
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
