I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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