And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
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'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
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He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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