i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
false alarm, still single
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
