Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
