I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
