hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
