Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Couch. On fire.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
