i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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