Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
