watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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