Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
