if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
