upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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