Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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