Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
