fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
