dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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