So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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