Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
