Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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