ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
